Lay-away Brothers

Ladies,

We can't rock with every dude in his current state. Let’s face it, so many of them are not ready. They are unwilling to come out of the shadows of boyhood and to step into the light of manhood. I know. I get it. It’s a tall order. There's a lot of pressure, and there are always his issues with self esteem. We make up all the right excuses for their behavior, and we don't own up to the fact that they are not ready, and therefore incapable of giving us what we need.

I know it sounds harsh, but the sooner you come to grips with that stark and honest truth, the sooner you can find that strong, beautiful and bold woman you used to know and get her back in the driver’s seat of your life. But he has so much potential... Yeah, I get it, but keeping him comfortable in a situation where he gets all he wants without reciprocity, in whatever manner is important to you, is not the business. In fact, it's the kind of situation that will make you wither and wilt.

Anyone who knows me knows I am a fan of another chance (its the Christian in me I tell you). Sometimes, I just don't know when to stop giving them out. The Masochist in me never likes to give up on people or making a relationship work, sometimes to my own detriment. But I had to come to grips with the fact that while there might not be anything wrong with keeping the man with potential on the roster, he MUST be demoted to the layaway roster.

Often women get stuck on the potential of a man. It keeps us enslaved to subpar behavior for way too long. If you really think about it, potential is essentially something that MIGHT come to pass. It's not definite, it is a mere possibility, you know, like the one where he never changes and you become trapped in a web of dysfunction with 3 kids, 2 from other women, that you've agreed to raise because "you love him so much." Tomorrow matters, but not as much as today. In fact, what we do with today, determines our tomorrow. The question is not what can he be tomorrow, but who and what is he today? If the answer isn't the man that makes me happy, by supporting me, cherishing me and contributing to my well being, then he has to be kicked to the curb.

Now some men must be thrown into the sea of forgetfulness, but those brothers who have great raw materials, but just aren't ready, need to be put on lay-away. I don't mean anything derogatory by that. You'll see what I mean in a minute. If a man is not ready to show up and put in the work necessary to make a relationship work, he must be put on lay-away. That's the category that places him in the friend zone, maybe with the occasional date. What that means is, the benefit package - essentially all aspects of you in a committed relationship are off limits. That includes, sex! You'll need your wits about you after all. I don't care how cute he is, how good he smells, or how much you need to be held. If he's not ready to do the work, he get's no play. Ocytocin is real, and will leave you addicted to a man, in the corner twitching as you obsess about his behavior.

Secondly, you MUST see other people. You can't make him your world; after all, he hasn’t really applied for the position. At this point you don't even know that he is your destiny, in fact likelihood is, he not because the will of god suffers no lack. If your relationship is lacking, it means it’s not for you now. Your lay-away brother is not your future husband, he is simply a guy you know who has some good qualities that have yet to manifest. Let him cook. You wouldn't eat a half raw cake. Incidentally, some of those other people you are seeing, should be your girls. Fill your time with people who affirm you, your beauty and your gifts. Eat up all the wonderful things that ARE for you now, and be thankful for them each day. This is the way we stay connected to our reality so that we don't fall for the illusion that settling is the only option.

Finally, keep watch over how much time and energy you give to your lay-away brother. You don't go visit that furniture set or sick outfit daily, but you might swing by monthly to keep you motivated. Don't give yourself away. Live life, and remember, you simply know this boy/man, you are not building with him, cause guess what? He ain't ready or willing to build. Real commitment, consideration and availability can only take place when your gentleman "suitor" with all the potential, turns potential into reality. PERIOD. If he's yours, putting him in the lay-away category will be just the kick in the pants he needed. If he's not, it will weed him out even quicker. By the way, the longer someone remains in lay-away the less of your time he deserves; even Wal-Mart puts the TV back on the market after 6 months. In the case, that putting a man on lay-away genuinely turns you two into PLATONIC friends, even better. Guys are great, even when they are not your boyfriend, or husband. But the best way to enjoy them is with your boundaries intact. Ladies, you only get one you. Be vigilant about who you allow to experience you and how.

Ever Higher!