So the truth of it is I am ovulating. I am a 34 year old, single woman whose body is hell bent on getting me pregnant. Only trouble is I am also redeemed, bought with a price. Yes, yes, Jesus has changed my whole life. I don’t mean to sound irreverent. I am so glad he changed me. But He has come in and completely rearranged this life so that when the hormones call and the desire to be held and stroked and romanced torment me, I must resist. Some might think it’s just sexual desire, something that can be remedied with an orgasm, but it is much more than contracting genitalia that the body seeks, but the full experience of intimacy. We crave the feeling of flesh upon flesh, warmth upon skin, the weight of another’s body pressing you in.
So what is a girl to do - 34, supple, and single and in love with and devoted to God? What’s she supposed to do when the priest of her future household has yet to materialize, and prospects look grim? Who’s to say how long the wait is going to be? The only viable option is to hunker down, grab your bible and pray without ceasing. Well, actually it’s not the only option- especially when friends of the opposite sex whom the Lord has clearly identified as buoys, not ports, offer their bodies as a living sacrifices.
Don’t get me wrong the love God provides for us is great, and even somatic in nature on occasion, but he has also created a desire in us to experience embodied love and intimacy, touch and the giving of our bodies as gifts to one another. Surely this is only to happen within the confines of marriage. The potency of the creative power of such union and interaction are far too great to be swapped cavalierly with just anybody, so what do you do when the flesh calls, and those who are clearly not your end are offering themselves up to be your meantime? Worse yet what happens when curiosity has prevailed and you have had a nibble or two and now want to go back for the whole meal, because it tastes good, and because you NEED the nourishment?
Recently God has reminded me of Esau and his birthright – sold in haste because of the growling of his stomach. His future ripped from him on account of some red stuff. Not even prime rib, or filet mignon… but red stuff – essentially something to make the hunger pangs cease. He was hated by God even before birth, perhaps because of the nature of his character. Esau refused to endure and refused to consider the consequences of his actions on his future. So essentially, choosing the meantime is functioning in an Esau mentality – a mentality that is hated by God.
It almost seems unfair. How can God have such disdain for us eating from forbidden fruit when there is famine in the land? To my best estimation, such fruit, the red stuff, falls horribly beneath the plans God has for us, and witnesses to the world, a lack of faith in His ability to sustain us. And isn’t that really the case. Like Esau we can’t hear past the grumbling of our stomachs to remember the promises and faithfulness of the Lord. What’s worse such indulgences develop an adiction to junk food, junk relationships, and behavior that does not edify or glorify.
Most recently I have found myself pulling myself out of a situation that does not glorify God. I have been gobbling down red stuff as fast as I can” before my Daddy comes home(slow down yall, it’s not what you’re thinking.) But even in the midst of munching on my meantime, I found that it did not satisfy, but rather sat like a rock in my stomach, like bad milk waiting to wreak havoc on my system. As I reviewed my actions and the Esau mentality I’d assumed, I could not help but lament. . It was then that the Lord, true to form and character, comforted me in my tears. Wait, again I say wait on the Lord and he will strengthen thine heart. When we remove the focus off of our appetites, whatever they might be, and refocus on God, he truly does strengthen our hearts. In that moment of lament, repentance and worship, I received manna from on high – a days worth of strength to resist forsaking my future for my meantime. He supplied my needs for today, and challenged me to have faith that he will supply my needs for tomorrow as well. The trick is I have to go back to God every day for a new portion. We seek after other things daily… Keep me faithful Lord.
Court, I feel you. When I was hungry as a child, my mom would say, "stop snacking Darriel, dinner will be ready in a minute." I could see her cooking right in front of my face, but something about that instant gratification appealed to me. Hunger unhampered by harmful snacks, makes the meal that much better. We just have to wait for what God's cooking up.
ReplyDeleteSo my comment is two fold. First, I love your use of language and metaphor, especially the turn of phrase, "...trying to make the buoys of my life, into ports of rest." Secondly, thank you for being transparent. Part of the beauty of our Christian walk, and part of our witness to the presence and work of Almighty God, is when we cease being bent on appearing perfect and start being real. Our imperfections point to our Perfect God who is able and about the work of conforming us into the image of His dear Son. Keep being conformed, for it does not yet appear what you shall be...
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